a blessing from the Chinese

I was at a conference for Christian international students last week, and one of the things we were consistently given during meal/snack times was fortune cookies. I can recall eating at least four of them, which is more than I've ever had at any one time. I also had someone of immense spiritual maturity choose my fortunes for me, so I would definitely know I was hearing the voice of God. Many thanks to the Chinese as well for providing me with this hidden gem. Here was my best one:

life in the fast lane

My dad and I have this uncanny method of conversing every now and then which centers around things that we've just gotten to do or see for the first time. I didn't notice how much we do it until recently, but it's quite often. A typical conversation can go like this:

"Hey Alan, I got to do something today that I've never done before."
"Let me guess. You let a fireman use your wooden stepladder to climb up a burning building."
"No, actually I got to feed hardboiled Easter eggs to a flock of wild geese. They didn't seem to mind the coloring."

Well last night I realized that many of my extravagant/first time experiences center around things I've done while driving. I don't know why I do this. I think I'm safe driver, and I've never had a ticket. But for some reason I've managed to do some interesting things while speeding down the road. Such as:

--Composing a song, with pen, paper, and guitar chords, while on the interstate

--Eating Chinese out of a styrofoam dinner plate

--Making a puppet show where all the characters were members of a wacky town council (complete with different voices)

--Playing catch with a baseball and glove

--Sing an hour's worth of worship songs (some of which had me crying)

--Passing a McGruff Dare Cop with no lights on his car, and still getting pulled over

--Having a rhyming battle with a neighboring van via walkie-talkie

I guess sometimes people spend so much time on the road that they just snap. You reach a point where you have to do something creative and different or you'll go crazy. I don't know how people with long commutes handle it.

here are my (un)qualifications

When driving home today, I listened briefly to a replaying of a Supreme Court case from 1996. The hapless lawyer making his case had just about had enough, and the justices were barraging him with questions he couldn't answer. I felt bad for the guy. It wasn't his fault that his client didn't have a case.

It caused me to think though, "I could never do this job. Well, at least not any time soon." I kind of pride myself on being a fairly talented person, but, in a public display of humility, I will list the top 10 jobs I am most unqualified for. They are as follows:

1. African Braid Specialist
2. Brazilian Jiu-jitsu Instructor
3. Skywriter (i.e. plane w/smoke)
4. Supreme Court Justice
5. Fashion Consultant
6. Professional Beekeeper
7. Riverdance Enthusiast
8. Horse Jockey (sorry Barbaro)
9. WWF Personality
10. Terrorist

uncharted water

While on a visit this weekend to Virginia Beach, I came across three things I've never seen before. They are as follows (listed in order of importance):

Symmetrical black seashells (these are earrings, not actual seashells)









An entire school of dolphins jumping in the afternoon limelight

A trike formed from the rear portion of a VW Bug (impossible to find on Google, but here are a few capable substitutes)

all trees go to Heaven

While I don't admit to being the greenest person (politically) on this block, I must say that I was a bit concerned this past week when our neighbors managed to remove a large tree from our shared front yard. Earlier in the day, they had been out pruning and shearing a variety of foliage, but when I came home at night, there were three Latino men outside my door hooking ropes onto the tree. Now I have nothing against Latino men, but why, oh why, were they on call to remove a beautiful tree from a shared front yard at 9pm? If they hadn't had spot lighting, they would likely have pulled down a rain gutter. And why would you tear down our perfectly fine tree? Why would you do it at night? Is it so that no one else could see?

Well this isn't the first time the tree-removal people have visited our block. They were here two months ago to take down an even bigger and even lovelier tree that was ours, oh ours, whose chief transgression was to occasionally drop leaves on my car. I was the only one who parked under the tree, and I never, oh never, complained.

What once was a yard with random leafy flowers and shrubs, and two pleasant-to-the-eye trees, now contains two leafy shrubs and two awkwardly tilled patches of bare earth. Would it have been such a bad thing to leave the trees there? I'm afraid our yard is haphazardly naked, and I don't think a few seeds and some Miracle Grow will change things.

Hmmm . . . . this coming Arbor Day (whenever that is -- see, I told you I'm not Green), you think they'd notice if, during the middle of the night, I planted two huge cottonwoods and a whole herd of fat garden gnomes?

next stop: Mt. Pigsah

Maybe it's a lack of conscience, or maybe I just like stealing things, but here is yet another idea that orginated with someone else. I could start singing the classic hit from Chicago, "You're the Inspiration," but I think I'll hold off.

Here is a list of things I would love to do before I die:


take a scenic tour of every state (some states would be more scenic than others)
cook a meal for someone really important, then beam with delight when they ask for seconds
visit all 119 division I-A campuses (currently I've been to about 37)
earn a ph.d. in social psychology
take a missions trip to germany, france, romania, austria, spain
work at a job which requires use of a concealed weapon (phony id optional)
use all the German I've learned over the years
be the best father and husband I can be
win a marathon while dressed as a superhero
teach in a seminary or bible college in Europe
walk on the beach in St. Lucia
take my dad fishing on the Chesapeake